Be careful what you pray for.

Hey God.

It’s amazing the things you’ve been doing in my life lately. I know You know I’m not a balloon and I know You know that this time of stretching is not a cruel joke but rather the most sincere form of love that has ever and will ever exist. I ask that You have an extra amount of patience with me, as I’m struggling to comprehend such complex new ideas.

The problem with taking on leadership, Lord, is that leaders are not allowed to lose it. In all other roles that I’ve nestled into over the past years, there has been pleeeenty of leeway. Leeway for losing it. I feel like I may have taken on too much. Or is just enough to stretch just a little more? How can I know but by Your Spirit? I must admit, I have felt especially tired for about a year now, so maybe tensions have been high and discernment a little low. Let me NEVER walk through a door that You have not opened. I need the power to say no, and the courage to say yes. Yes to the new things you have planned for me. Yes to things that I don’t want to do but will have an invaluable lesson attached to it. Honestly, I don’t want to coordinate events and I don’t want to be in front of people and look into their eyes and see that they are needing me to give them something that I can’t seem to conjure up. But You have a plan. Only YOU know how I’ve made it through this crazy journey we’ve been on the past four years. 

Thank You, Lord, for a weekend with Cristo Vive. Thank You for bringing seven precious campers who blessed all of us with reflections of Your true character. Thank you for the 24 workers who sacrificed their time and efforts. Thank You for the crazy moments when I felt like every nerve in my body had snapped. Thank you for the moments when someone came up to me and gave me a hug and for everyone who had the grace to see the need that was there and fill it. Thanks for the foot of snow that I asked for…now I understand I should have been a little more specific about the timing. It is only by Your grace that anything turned out well this past weekend, because You and I both know I was a wreck and had no strength outside of Yours. I ask for new things in the ministry. I ask for miracles and healings. I ask for more hands to plant seeds. 

And now a new year is creeping up upon me. I have no idea what the next year is going to bring, any more than I knew what would happen in this past year. Thanks for a great year. Thank you for helping me make decisions about school this year, thanks for the internship at Bethel, Cristo Vive camps, the Color Run, the Ecuadorian fiestas, sky diving, weddings in Port Washington and Mexico, trip out to the east coast to see Smashley and up north with Jean, thanks for making my car last another year, and for the new home that I have. There is a lot of unknown for the next year, I have NO idea what the next steps to take are. You always provide, and I know that when doors close, that means You have something better in mind. Your ways are ever higher than mine…so much higher. I aim for flagpoles but You have mountaintops in mind. You are always calling us to more…more sacrifice, more worship, more love, more trust and surrender, more suffering, more peace, more wisdom, more freedom, more of Your Spirit. Let’s walk this road together, shall we? 

One more thing…

…please help me to keep it together. 

Love,

Noele

Growingosity.

Teens. Young adults. 20-something’s. Middle age. Every stage of life has a name and its own set of expectations. We like to clump everyone together for the sake of statistics, maybe.  We’re all made out of the same clay even though the grooves and lumps are a little different. I can’t speak for everyone else who just turned 22, but I’ve been feeling the “tension” lately, like I’m in some kind of limbo. There’s a big gap between childhood and adultness, and a whole lot of that tension in between. Sometimes I feel like I’m a child straining to live up to the responsibilities of adulthood. Other times I’m an adult having to indulge the child-like tendencies that I haven’t grown out of yet. Children are by nature selfish. I have to wrestle with so much selfishness. SO MUCH. Every. Day.  And then as a “maturing adult” there is so much responsibility and vagueness. You must do this and this, but there are no rules on exactly how to do it, and you get to choose the path as long as you end up in the same spot as everyone else who has had any kind of “success” in this world.  Sometimes the idea lingers in my mind that there is a little bit of cushion…like, “Oh, she’s only 22. She’s too young to know what life is all about.” That’s it. That’s what I’m trying to figure out…is it a case of “Wow, you’re only 22? You’re just a kid still!” Or is it a case of “You’re 22. Quit acting like a child.” Don’t they both sound feasible? 

What I’m trying to say is that it’s been a little tough. 

One of my newest favoritest passages: ‘”Ah, Sovereign Lord,’ I said, ‘I do not know how to speak, I am only a child.’ But the Lord said to me, ‘Do not say, “I am only a child.” You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,’ declares the Lord. Then the Lord reached out His hand and touched my mouth and said, ‘Now, I have put MY words in your mouth. See, today I [assign] you over the nations to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.’” (Jeremiah 1: 6-10) No more excuses. No more “I can’t’s.”

My birthday went really well. I woke up to birthday texts from my family, went to say goodbye to an Ecuadorian friend, and then Jean and Jane blindfolded me and took me out to lunch at The Tavern. Afterwards we went spice shopping with a gift card they gave me. My birthday is so weird. I always wake up with that feeling that “Today is no ordinary day. People will just look at me and know it’s my birthday.” I don’t like to make a big deal out of myself…and yet I do. I like to get gifts and hugs and 100 comments on my facebook. I like to get free cake with my meal and cards in the mail. I love that Jean makes the day special for me. And yet as the day goes on, I realize that it IS just an ordinary day and that life doesn’t change just because it happens to be August 30. All that changes is that I now have to remember to answer “22” instead of “21.” 

September is going to be full of changes. I’m excited for change just so I can settle into a new normal again. I’m going to be moving in the next couple of weeks…finally got the OK from God on that and my parents have promised to bring me a bed to sleep on.  I will be living in the suburbs in a house with six other girls. I know what you’re thinking: that’s a lot of womanly intuition under one roof. Also, I am now  a virtual student taking online classes from a digital professor in a large, white chatroom. I had always kind of scoffed at online classes...”Oh, right, you just want to stay in bed all day while the rest of the real world has to show up to class.” But now here I am. Never say never; it’s actually quite dangerous. My friends that have said” never” have ended up marrying Ecuadorians or wearing tight bright yellow pants in public.

Here are some pictures from the process of painting my new room. Notice the original red and black (who DOES that??) and then the shockingly mintiness of the seafoam green I apparently picked out. It's still a work in progess. I'm hoping the end result looks slightly less like a shamrock shake exploded in my room. It was supposed to be a neutral color. My face says it all.

 

Though I walk through the valley of indecision...I will fear no time constraints.

If I could bottle up the feeling that you get when you are free-falling from 13,000 feet in the air, I could probably sell it for a million dollars.

Ever since I went bungee jumping with Kristin in Ecuador last year (http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=2081937131825&set=vb.1346996535&type=2&theater) I have been wanting to do something crazy like that again. It's like finally reaching that point where you are the most alive you're ever going to be. This past spring, one of Jean's friends (who may or may not be in the 50's-ish range...) told me that she had gone skydiving as like a "mid-life-crisis-clearing-the-head" type deal. And she loved it. One of my pastors recently went as well, and when I heard them sharing about it, something inside me said, "Hey. I want to do that." Well, I get a little sick of things piling up on my to-do list, so I decided to go for my birthday this year. The website said that if I get a group of five people, everyone gets $5 off. YES, I LOVE discounts. I wasn't sure if I would be able to find five people...but low and behold, we ended up with six. It's good to know I've got some fearless folks by my side.

So yesterday morning I got up after a restless night of tossing and turning, bought some tickets to Mexico, and then headed out to Wisconsin. My stomach was feeling a little but like it knew something BIG was coming. I just can't outsmart my stomach. I ate an apple and then decided I shouldn't put anything else in there or it might not stay. I drove with my friend John out to Baldwin, WI where we were scheduled to jump. We found it in the middle of a cornfield. Just a barn, some campers, a big empty field, and parachutes. And a staff of crazy guys who jump out of planes for a living. Ok. Once the rest of our whole group got there (including my cousin and her boyfriend, and another friend and her dad...what a great group) we signed our lives away on a 7-page liability suicide note and watched a movie with a strange man in a long beard warning us that we might die. Then there was a quick demonstration on what would happen when we jumped out of the plane, and how to position our bodies...all of which I completely forgot the minute the door opened on the plane.

We ended up waiting for a while. Another group jumped ahead of us, so we waited for them. Then we got hooked up in these strappy, buckly, ( and, according to the men, EXTREMELY) uncomfortable harnesses. At this point I was feeling ok, a little jumpy (no pun intended) but it still felt a little surreal. We had to wait for some clouds to pass by and a little rain to stop, and apparently I was pacing a lot.

Finally, it was time to go up in the plane, and my stomach shot up to my throat. We got into the plane, single-file, and sat on long benches, facing the back of the plane. Then we went up, up, UP. The staff guys who were jumping tandem with us were joking around and keeping us calm...mostly. I kept glancing out the window of the plane...the houses became ants and the cornfields were checkerboard spaces. The next sequence of events happened really fast. The door of the plane opened and I was suddenly handed a pair of goggles as cold wind whipped around us. Ohmygosh. Harmony was the first of our group to go and I saw her disappear out of the plane, just like that. We all scooted forward. I was close enough to the door to see John being tossed out and just DROP out of sight. Then it was my turn. Every nerve in my body was screaming "NOOOOO" but I was all hooked up the guy jumping with me and I really had no choice in the matter. He stood so I stood. He crouched so I crouched. My heart was pounding in my ears. You know that feeling when you are at the top of a big roller coaster and you are about to go down a huge drop? Mulitply that by one hundred. The next thing I knew we were falling. Just falling. Nothing holding me. The earth below, the sky above and I was just free falling. We turned a little and I was facing the sky. I noticed my shoes were untied. I couldn't think about anything but falling. We turned back around and I saw the hazy earth below. The wind was screaming in my ears and I could barely take a breath. I don't know if I screamed...maybe a little. I got the tap on my should which mean I was supposed to spread my arms out, and I felt like I was pushing against a brick wall. Just falling. That was my favorite moment...that's the feeling I want to bottle up. I don't know how long we were falling like that, but I had just begun to really enjoy it when my guy opened up the parachute and I was jerked into a sitting position. Then all the ear-splitting noise was silenced and he adjusted the straps a little and we began to glide. He let me steer (aka, I held the loops and helplessly tried to pull the parachute in different directions....he may have helped a little), and we chatted and floated around in small circles as I looked beyond my dangling feet at the houses that were beginning to look more like mouse houses, then baby monkey houses, then cat houses.

"Do you believe in God?" I asked my guy. "Cuz I sure do."

When we landed (on our rear ends) it was smooth and not nearly as jolting as I was expecting it to be. I took a breath that I hadn't taken in the last 13,000 feet and jumped up as the parachute softly landed around us.

"Can we go again?" I asked. He said I could...it would only cost me another 120 bucks.

So. It was an awesome experience. A momentary distraction from the chaotic busyness that is my life. I feel like my life has been just a tornado of events, and God keeps pickup up the snow globe and shaking things up so that it all falls in different patterns every time. I just have to trust that His parachute works and that He will land us in exactly the right spot.

A few pictures: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.4557292334158.2184911.1346996535&type=1&ref=notif&notif_t=like
(I didn't pay the extra 90 bucks to get the really good shots as we were falling out of the plane, so you'll just have to imagine them)

"You can pick your friends, but you can't pick their noses" doesn't apply to PCA's

Time is an illusion, as they say. The past three weeks have been really busy and have passed without my awareness. What am I saying? I haven’t had a concept of time for the last six months.  A few weeks ago, I was getting ready for camp at a good pace, I thought. But then suddenly the days were winding down and there were still small details to be taken care of and people to get in touch with and my room had turned into a disaster hole. 

For those of you who don’t know, if indeed you exist, for the past two years I have been involved with an organization that does evangelistic camps for youths and adults with disabilities. It’s like summer camp with a Jesus twist…and handicap accessible. The time I spent in Ecuador was working with this organization, Cristo Vive, and the past two summers I did week-long camps with them. It’s the highlight of my year, seriously. It’s a time of no pretenses or inhibitions, of unhindered love and laughter, of learning and teaching, running around and slowing down to keep pace with those who endure life at the pace that their physical bodies allow them. My main love language is physical touch and at camp I get enough high-fives and hugs to bring me into a state of perfect contentment and joy. God always teaches me the most important lessons when I’m with those kids and that particular group of workers. 

This year He spoke something very important to me. One of the most precious gifts He’s given us is so simple that I haven’t recognized it as a gift at all. Other than the fact that He has so graciously given me legs for kicking and jumping, a mouth to not only eat with but also communicate in functional ways as well as shout and sing and whistle, hands that can point and push and cross and clap, and the ability to express myself in whatever way seems necessary…He has given me something so much more precious: TIME. For some reason unknown to me but somehow woven into the pattern into the tapestry of His will, I am allotted a specific time on this earth and someday I will be held accountable with how I have invested my time. Because it really isn’t MY time, anyway. What better way could I have spent last week but at camp, serving and being blessed? All of our talents, abilities, and simple human functions are to be used for HIS purpose, for HIS glory. Be intentional with your time. I mean…look at us. Our lives are so easy. We aren’t exactly spending all our time fighting just to survive like some people are. I look at my life and I have all the food and provisions I need and then some. I think God has provided this generation with amazing opportunities to reach out. 

The next couple of months are going to be a time of transition. I’m still working out the details of my living situation after I move out of Jean’s house, but I have a few options available. I’m just waiting to see where the Lord directs me. He has been pretty good at keeping me in suspense for all the important decisions I’ve made the past couple of years, and I know it’s just a matter of waiting on His perfect timing. He always works it out perfectly just when I think I might explode from the suspense. I want to be able to be involved in ministries where He can use my talents and abilities, be glorified in my weaknesses, and stretch my strengths.

Here are some exciting events coming up that I just can’t stop getting excited about:

-Trip home at the end of July! Yay family…and seeing Kiki and my Ñaño…welcome home!

-Sister’s wedding in the fall. I love my sister, I love weddings, and the autumn loves me. Can’t wait to celebrate with them.

-My birthday in August…normally my birthday isn’t all that big of a deal to me, but I have a big plan for this one. Skydiving, anyone?

-5K Color Run on July 15. http://thecolorrun.com/minnesota. I don’t run…but this should be crazy fun.

-Possible trip to Mexico in October for cousin’s wedding

Funny text message from sister the other day:

Laura: Nel?

Me: Yesh?

No response

Me: Speak.

Laura: Nothing. I just wanted to see your voice.

As always, He is faithful and merciful and today gave me a day of much-needed rest and relaxation. And here I sign off…my Blue Flame is calling me to a bike ride.

What's in a title...by any other name might smell as sweet?

What a strange week. I don't know why, but I feel like I've been living in a cloud for the past several days. I was in Wisconsin all last weekend, which really threw me off. Got to see the kid sister graduate (muchos congrats, deaker!) and my dear aunt Lois get married (more congrats, Lois and Larry!) So you can imagine that with all the celebrating and partying there was plenty of EATING. Oh my word. Too. Much. Food.

The beginning of this week I spent getting ready for my English class, making rhubarb pie, cleaning, and biking. And occasionally chasing the baby rabbits in our backyard. Stay out of our lettuce, nasty rabbits.  

Oh! Guess what. So one of my English students who has become a very dear friend, Irma, invited me over the other day because her mother was flying in from Ecuador. Sometimes I just think it's so funny that I spent all this time in Cuenca, Ecuador, and then I come to the Twin Cities and just HAPPEN to find myself connected with some friendly Cuencanos. Thanks, God. Anyway, we went to the airport to pick up her mom, and after a tearful reunion, we headed back to the house to unpack. Among all the Ecuadorian goodies that Mami brought were ten suspicious looking packages. What are these, I asked her. Cuy, she replied. Wait, CUY!?!?! Cuy is something I tried several times while in Ecuador and will never forget it. Basically what you do is take a guinea pig, shave it and scour it, and then roast it. And then eat it. So my friend's mother brought 10 CUY in her suitcase from Ecuador. The only problem she had with security was a small bag of fruit that her sister sent along. But the poor, dead guinea pigs made it across the continent. So we celebrated with a good guinea pig roast with rice, potatoes, salad, and mote. I even got my friend Alyssa to try it with us. I think we were the only gringas in the state of Minnesota to be doing that. 

Yeah, I don't have much else to say...still working out the details for the next year, still praising God, still making mistakes, still enjoying my bike rides. In fact, yesterday I biked into downtown St. Paul to do some shopping, got all turned around, and headed the wrong direction for a good half-hour. Got a better work-out than I was planning on. 

Next Thursday I'm leaving for Cristo Vive camp. This is the highlight of my summer, seriously. I can't wait. I plan to take many, many pictures and then make you look through all of them so you can see how much fun we have. Please pray for the preparation as we are getting ready. 

Til next time. 

When you don’t have dental insurance, a toothache can be tolerable for a long time.

So, this is the kind of biker I am NOT.

-I am NOT the kind of biker that rides a Harley, has a big burly mustache, wears a bandana and leather vest, rev’s their engine when leaving a stoplight, and is perpetually frowning. No, this type can be slightly intimidating and I have never been referred to as intimidating in my life. Neither do I have an engine to rev.

-I am NOT the kind of Twin Cities biker that walks in to Chipotle, orders, sits down, eats, AND uses the restroom…all while still wearing their helmet. 

-I am NOT the kind of biker that has a pretty rose-colored bike with a wicker basket, wears skirts and delicate scarves, whose hair blows in the wind, and is perpetually smiling. It’s difficult for me to smile while pedaling up hills and my bike is blue and yellow (yes, as in Swedish colors.)

-I am NOT the kind of biker that wears gloves and spandex with cool logos and bright colors that all match their shoes and don’t stop at stop signs and treat their bike like their eldest child and like to speed past the poor souls on their blue and yellow bikes who just haven’t gotten quite up to speed yet. 

Anyway.

May I walk you through the decision process I have been taking the last few months regarding my future? I’m slightly proud of myself for really taking my time on this decision. I mean REALLY taking my time. As in, it’s been a reaaaaally long time. I decided I didn’t want to put words in God’s mouth and say, “I think He’s calling me here or there” without being 100% sure. You know, it’s slightly exhausting to constantly being weighing the options in the back of my mind, and feeling the heaviness of having to commit one way or the other, especially since with every decision stem ten more small ones. But I’m NOT anxious about it.

You may remember last time when I was talking about Moody. All the doors seemed to be leading to there. I applied and got accepted, which is an honor and a blessing. I could get my degree, be in Chicago (closer to my wonderful family,) be in a conservative Christian education environment (without the average Christian education prices,) and get some good experience. 

HOWEVER. Here I am, in the Twin Cities, surrounded by diversity. I’m already teaching an English class to Spanish-speakers, which has opened up SO many opportunities and connections. There is an opportunity to work with a Hispanic church. Several girls from church are getting a house together and happen to have extra space. I have learned a lot about ministry, leadership, the Spirit, and reaching out to others through my time in Ecuador, the apprenticeship I’ve been involved with at my church, and from Jean. What is better education than hands-on experience? I feel called into ministry, and time is short. We need to be VERY deliberate and intentional with how we spend our time AND money…it almost seems selfish to go to school. Especially at a school where my new growth spurts in the gifts of the Spirit might be less than encouraged? If I put on my “eternity vision” lenses, what would be the most beneficial to others around me? As the youth pastor at my church once said, “God’s dream for your life is for others, not just for you.” I know I can glorify God in any city, any country, any planet. I know He is with me to the end of the earth. I can serve Him in the classroom, in the desert, in the kitchen, in the janitor’s closet, in the jungle, in the snow, in the air, in the mountains, on the rooftops, in a cave. But what is His BEST for me? I want to be ON FIRE for Him. I want to be where He is working. 

As you can see, I am leaning towards staying in Minnesota. I have been praying about starting a summer “Digging into the Word/Praying in the Spirit/Discipleship AND Evangelistic” Bible study with the BCF 20-something females. I want to continue tutoring my English students through the summer. Cristo Vive camp is coming up quickly. I am so excited to spend a couple weeks with my family. I love to spend time with Jean and am grateful for having time with her and HER family. How is there time for school right now? I understand it’s important... I did apply to take some online courses and there are lots of programs for getting TEFL/TESOL certified, especially here in the Cities. 

So, there ain’t no flipping of a coin to get past this one. And I am trying not to be wishy-washy.

Praise God for His faithfulness.